mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
