my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
