I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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