In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
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