Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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