The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
