So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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