My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
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