Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
