The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Randomize