Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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