i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
