Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
