i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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