We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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