I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize
