the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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