Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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