I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
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