you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
