I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
