The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize