there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
