I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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