I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
