Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
