dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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