listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
