oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
