Your face is a jimmy john
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
