I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
