Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize