She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Someone signed my nipple.
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