just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize