i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
