Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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