WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
