I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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