i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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