Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
