my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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