Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
