Got a toothbrush?
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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