I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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