never play flip cup with pint glasses
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
