Already got asked if we're dating
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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