I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
