the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
