I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize