Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
