You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Randomize
