You just made me feel so damn special
I think I won the penis lottery.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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