i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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