Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
