Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
