We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize