I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
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