OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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