Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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