She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
